On vacation. Nothing to say.

My dog, instead.  

3 weeks

Tuesday is my new favorite day of the week. I'm not sure if being excited to get weighed is a normal thing, but when you've made a large commitment to an entire way of eating, it's nice to see the progress. 


To the doctor I went. I am +1 lbs. But, there is good news. The scale printout shows that I have gained 2 lbs of muscle and have lost 2.6 lbs. of fat. The number on the scale doesn't bug me. Of course, it would have been fun to see the number take a nose dive like it has in the last two weeks, but this is still good news. The doctor wanted me to stop losing muscle and to burn fat instead. 


I didn't buy any food products today. I go out of town early Friday morning and have no intention of lugging little cartons of protein shakes with me to my high school reunion. I'll be on real food from Friday-Monday evening. Well, food and vodka. 


I got weighed, bought another bottle of AppTrim (my prescription appetite suppressor) and off I went to face the normal world. My anxiety has leveled off about the weekend. Sure, there's the chance that a few days off the program could reignite my love of carbs and butter, but I'm not at all under the impression that it's okay to go completely off the deep end. 


My best friend (with whom I'll be staying with and spending all of my time with) is well aware of my plan to not pig. Besides, no one goes to Boise, Idaho to eat. New York City? That may call for some severe justification, but there's nothing in Boise that's worth blowing three weeks worth of doing. 


I realized that I could just limit my calorie intake to 800 calories per day, still see the doctor for the weigh-ins, prescription vitamins, appetite suppressors, and general guidelines. I could do that, but I realize that I actually like the shakes. They make life easy. I actually dread having to decide what my meal of the day will be. 


There will be alcohol, there will probably be a post-bar hotdog at one of the various carts downtown. There will possibly be some morsels of dessert. There is also the commitment to totally go back to what's become normal. I look forward to the progress more than I do the time off. 


Look at me, with the spirit of a skinny girl. If only the outside matched. Soon, right? 

Fight on for ol' SC... fight on to victory.

In the infamous words of Ice Cube "Today was a good day." 


It was the first home game of the season at my Alma Mater, USC. We beat Virgina and I got some good exercise climbing the stairs of the Coliseum after we gave our good seats away. 

The only thing to eat was at the ESPN "VIP" party we got into which was hosted by a Buffalo wings restaurant. Being a VIP meant you got to eat Buffalo wings, celery, drink domestic beer, and watch some TV's. Not so impressive. After reading the menu and asking the server which sauce was the least caloric, I was even less impressed when she had no idea what that meant. "Which sauce is the least worst for me?" 


So, I had maybe 5 wings with a sauce that didn't have the word "sweet" in the title and a pile of celery. Since the only thing I had consumer during the day was a single OptiFast, I decided that I'd break the rules and have a reasonable dinner. Two meals in a day? The horror. 


Persian food is a good choice for healthy eating. Charbroiled kebobs (I chose shrimp) and you can always ask for salad instead of rice. They don't do heavy dressings. It's lemon juice/oil/spices. The oil helps you absorb your vitamins, so a little wont end the world. 


The challenge I am finding with incorporating real food in with my OptiFast is that I can't convince myself to drink 3 shakes, have a bar, and the protein-rich dinner that my doctor prescribed. I am not comfortable going over 800 calories. I was seeing results with that and now, just two weeks into it, he wants me to increase. Maybe this is the start of an eating disorder, but the whole point of starting the program was to lose weight quickly. I'm also just not hungry. I eat/drink my shakes because I know I'm supposed to. 


This is really not a problem I imagined myself having, but I can't say I'm hating it. 

Oh, and USC won. :) 

New hobbies?

As I mentioned before, being food obsessed is a near full-time job. It takes a lot of time to hunt down good recipes, get the ingredients, and compile them in the proper manner. I'm trying to get over that and the therapist recommended finding some new hobbies. What the hell kind of hobbies don't involve eating? 


I need some suggestions. I go to Starbucks when I'm bored. Journaling is probably one of the healthiest things you can do short of actual, y'know, exercise. I go there, I read the news, journal, talk to strangers, and just distract myself from the fact that I don't have anything "real" to do in my spare time. Yes, I have friends. They are lovely. I have anti-social tendencies and don't always want to hang out with them. Besides, all they want to do is go out to dinner anyway. 


What's a good cross-addiction? Besides Cocaine. I'm sure it would help with the hunger and get me in the mood to pop in a "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tape, but I'm not really one for drugs. I'll hold off on the real shopping until I lose a chunk of the weight. 


What else, what else? 


And yes, I learned to drink black coffee. I get a pump of sugar-free Hazelnut syrup added. It was surprisingly easy. I can't quite do straight black. I'm not a long haul truck driver or anything. The OptiFast has had a way of resetting my palate. I don't "need" all the sugar and cream that I thought I did. Who knew? 

Real Food.

It's been a couple days since the doctor told me to eat one meal per day to up my protein intake. Can't say I'm loving it. I finally was at the point where food didn't even look good, now I'm back to weighing and measuring...and doing dishes again. :( 


Last night I went to my friend's house who was having a little dinner party for a couple of our friends. One of our friends is gluten-free, so I made these flourless chocolate souffle cupcakes with white chocolate mint cream for her. I'd been wanting to try the recipe for a while anyway. As a baker, it feels like a cardinal sin to not try one of my creations before feeding it to a group of people, but I managed. It's a little challenging to not lick your finger when you have $28/lb melted chocolate on it, but I wiped it off instead. 


At the party I had mostly meat and veggies. A friend made Baklava and never got around to pouring the syrup over it. I definitely munched on too much of the Phyllo dough, despite knowing it's not the best option. When I was a kid, my mom owned a bakery and she'd make huge sheets of Baklava. I'd go rob the top layers of the crispy Phyllo dough shards. I'll blame my bad decision last night on childhood regression. I had less than 1/4 of my own cupcake, just out of curiosity on whether the recipe was worth making again or not. It is definitely worthwhile.  


I'm not attempting to justify the bad choices made yesterday. I chose some bad stuff. I am also typically asocial and don't go to these dinner parties when invited. So, it was a special occasion and I wasn't really worried about it becoming a regular thing. Not to mention that the food I have at home is not of the carby/sugary/delicious variety. It's all protein and vegetables. 


Today, on the other hand was better, of course. I had a couple shakes. I had about 3.5 ounces of chicken breast that I had braised in chicken stock and spices. About 1/2 cup of roasted Brussels Sprouts. I had planned to eat about double that (6oz of chicken and 1 cup of sprouts) but I got way too full too fast. 


I'm using my calorie counter on my iPhone again. I was using it during my 100% OptiFast program because drinking shakes is a bit monotonous and I'd forget how many I'd had. So, now I'm keeping track of the meal with the goal of not exceeding 800 calories per day. 


I rode my bike for a couple miles (gotta love living at the beach) and I didn't get the amount of dinner in that I had intended, so I'll be sure to have another OptiFast before bed. 


I'm curious to see how this week will go at Tuesdays weigh-in. It's a good motivator to stick to the plan and not give in to the desire to snack and carb. 

Two weeks.

Off to the doctor I went. Was pleasantly surprised to see the loss of 6 lbs. I was expecting 3, so 6 was great. Half of it was muscle, half fat. Not thrilled about the further muscle loss, but the first week I lost 8 lbs and only 1 lb was fat. 


I saw the doctor and he advised me to continue the OptiFast and get in more protein. To do this I should have a small meal with a serving of protein and non-starchy vegetables. 


To be perfectly honest, I was not thrilled with this advice. I am finally totally adapted to my new lifestyle of being off food. It gave me anxiety. Making my own meals means less control. There's an element of being able to say "oh, just a little more..." or worse yet, reigniting that food addiction because I remember how much I enjoy eating. 

First meal in two weeks, you'd forget to snap the picture at the start, too.

I went to dinner at Houston's with a friend. I had the ahi tuna (6 ounces) and a side of broccoli that they drizzled with lemon juice and a little Parmesan Reggiano. I had a few bites of the appetizer  salad but ate around the bacon and croutons and gave up on the greens when I realized that the "light" tossing of dressing wasn't so light. All in all, it was a good meal. I wasn't ravenous, I wasn't overly excited about eating. Only problem? When I got home I had the urge to have a snack. I didn't get one, but I realized it's going to require me adapting to an entirely new program. 


Sure, it's only one meal. A simple meal. I was used to abstaining from regular  food, now I need to adapt to a little food and that's it. The doctor said to drink 3 shakes, do 1 bar, and have my small meal. He told me not to worry about the calories just as long as it's following the guidelines I mentioned above. So, yes. I am anxious. Walking/cardio/weight training was also advised to help prevent muscle loss. 


I decided that I will give it a week of following his advice and if I find that I am not getting ideal results or if I am going off of the deep end, I'm going to ask about the Optifast that's higher protein and go to that 100%. I'm just not confident that in two weeks I have broken my addictions and bad habits. 


In the past two weeks I have lost 14 lbs. I've lost a couple noticeable inches and I feel like I can stick with this to get the rest of the weight off. My first goal is to lose 41 lbs to get back to my lowest weight ever. Once I am there, I'll re-evaluate my goals and go from there. 


New beginnings... again. 

Heading into week two.

So far, so good... 
As of this posting, I'm 12 days on the program. Proud to say I haven't had a single morsel of real food in that time. Last night I had one extra shake after bike riding in the morning left me hungrier than usual. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. 


It is constantly getting easier. Doesn't mean I wish I couldn't eat. Doesn't mean I don't miss going out to dinner. I truly feel like I have a lot of extra time on my hands. Food was a big part of my life. I wasn't just your average fat person that overate. I read gourmet magazines, food blogs, I collect cookbooks, I love new restaurants, and I think the point of traveling is to eat new food. So, reading the blogs is a slight torment. I can't go and bake those new and improved blueberry muffins. I can't go out to the new restaurant to try their specialty. 


Despite the Optifast program being fairly pricey, I'm definitely saving money. Between going out to eat regularly and buying gourmet ingredients to make the latest and greatest recipe, this diet is economical. 


This doesn't mean I'm not around food. My friends still eat. There's no way I'd tell them to skip dinner just because I only eat bars and have shakes. I'd feel a little awkward sitting in a restaurant telling the server that I'll just be having an iced tea while my companions dine. So, we go to quick-serve restaurants where it's a little less obvious that I'm eating a Control Bar instead of a slice of pizza. 


Would I recommend this diet? 
Yes. At two weeks, I am by no means an expert. I have at least 50 lbs to lose. Ideally more like 70. It can be overwhelming to think about all of the time it would take to lose the weight. At the recommended 2 lbs a week, that's close to a year. With OptiFast it will hopefully go by faster. If I'm truly lucky, I'll spend 3-4 months on this diet and then go into maintenance mode. 


If you're hesitant... 

How can you resist a meal in a juice box? 

If you aren't sure you can do it, give yourself two weeks. Commit yourself to two weeks of giving it all you can. If the best you can do is 75%, give 75%. Of course it will be hard at first. Any cut in calories is hard. In two weeks you can give your body a chance to adapt. You can see if the results are worth it to you. You can give yourself a real chance before determining that you're beyond help. Before I started this program, I thought I was a hopeless case that wasn't capable of losing a single pound. Who knows where I'll end up, but at least I have optimism now. 

I wish everyday could be like today.

I woke up groggy and from a dead sleep, which has been happening since the diet. Lack of calories certainly can make a person tired. The entire day, though, I didn't lack energy. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed or missing food. 


Got a manicure/pedicure and saw my Psychologist. I am not in therapy, but I went in to get some testing done. I definitely have A.D.D. symptoms and wanted to figure out what's going on in my brain. The A.D.D. is a possibility and I will be seeing a Psychiatrist or my M.D. about it, but I made certain to ask him about my food problems. I told him I've had some serious bouts of depression lately. Is it the drug (food) that I'm missing? Or was food masking the symptoms of whatever else was going on in my brain. Of course he couldn't give me an answer to solve my problems, but he told me to focus on the things I can do instead of the things I can't. Focus on the pounds lost or getting involved in activities that I'd enjoy. Distract, distract, distract. 


A friend and I walked over to the new mall in Santa Monica that's just a few blocks away from my house. I assured him it's okay to eat in front of me and we sat in the food court while he ate Persian food and I munched on my Control Bar. While Persian is one of my favorite foods, there was no temptation. No misery. "C'est la vie." It is what it is. 


I can't say that this diet is easy. What do I do now that I'm not spending all of my time and money to procure a tasty snack? I'm going to have to think of some new hobbies. Ones that involve physical activity (despite my deep hatred of such things) would be ideal. 


Yesterday, I didn't even have the energy to put on makeup or go anywhere. I couldn't even convince myself to go to Starbucks for an iced coffee and a good journaling session. I napped for a few hours, just for lack of energy. Today on the other hand, I felt good. The thing we have to remember is that there are ups and there are downs. After it's hard, it will get easier. 


One of the things the Psychologist told me in his diagnoses of my personality is that I give up on things easily. Funny enough, I've yet to be close to quitting this program. I am thankful for my resolve to get this weight off again. 

Siiiiiiiigh.

I've been feeling kind of low energy the last couple of days. Can't quite put my finger on what it is. Still doing my 800 calories per day, vitamins, lots of water, and all of that. Part of it could be the depression I'm battling. For the record, I don't have clinical depression. I'm talking about the kind of depression that comes along with kicking a severe addiction. 


I can say that I am very proud of myself. I haven't veered off the diet once. I'm not cocky enough to say I won't, but as of now, I've been compliant. 


I do have one issue that's giving me anxiety. In a couple of weeks I will be going out of state to see my best friend for our class reunion. 10 years since high school? Wow. No, I am not dieting for the reunion. Of course, I wish I had gone down this OptiFast route 6 months ago, but seeing these people is not my motivation. 


When I travel, I like to eat at new places. I like to go to places that offer something I can't get at home. You wont find me at Sbarro pizza or Red Lobster. Why visit chains when every city has their own special restaurants? My friend is pretty understanding of the fact that it will be the first time I'll be eating in a month. The doctor knows of my plans and told me to avoid high energy carbs. Lay off the bread, starches, etc.. I know that's easier said than done since carbs are my weakness. I know that my habits will not be of the healthiest variety. 


My biggest concern is coming back from my weekend of eating/drinking and going back on the OptiFast. The first week WAS hard. I craved food I didn't normally eat. As of now, the majority of my cravings are gone. My hunger pains are faint, but not a distraction. Starting over is definitely scary. 


My hope is that I've had enough success on the program by then that it will be natural to return to this method of dieting. Fingers crossed! 

One week.

I like my OptiFast in red cups. It's like a party 5 times a day. 

First weigh in: 


I went to the doctor's office yesterday to pick up more OptiFast and to get weighed. I expected around a 3 pound loss. Instead, it was -8. The scale scans your body and does a print out of your fat mass, lean body mass, and water. I was -7 lbs in the water department and -1.4 lbs in fat. They told me that water = muscle. Losing muscle seems counterproductive, but they assured me it's normal.


Of course I took to Google to find the answers and the things I found were that low calorie diets, low carb diets, low protein, and no resistance training can all lead to muscle loss. I have all of that going for me. The doctor's assistant told me they'd see where I was at next week, and if the muscle loss continues, my diet will be modified. 


On one hand, I'm totally happy to have seen the results. My previous diet attempts gave me no progress at all. I thought something was wrong with me, that I could never lose weight, and I'd have to live with this extra 50 lbs forever. Now I have more hope that that isn't the case. 


The day before I went in for my update, I was experiencing some pretty bad depression. I wanted to quit the diet because I missed food. I wasn't on the verge of binging or eating something off the diet or even an extra bar or shake. I wasn't even craving anything in particular. I just missed food. 


It made me think a lot about food addiction and just how strong it can be. I know I need to stick to the diet. I knew it was working, I just missed food. Food was my friend. I figured that alcoholics and drug addicts must have the same feelings. Funny enough, I'm in a better place than they are. In a few months, I will be eating again. Hell, in 3 weeks I'll be having a weekend vacation where I'll be off the program. It's not like I will never eat again. Unlike drug addicts or boozehounds, I don't have to give up my drug entirely. 


It's still a struggle. I'm low energy today, not feeling my best. On the bright side, I feel like I'm on the right track and that's a first in a very long time.