"Week" 1 complete.

Saturday is my new weigh-in/check-in with the weight loss clinic. Given the previous holiday weekend and my proclivity towards gluttony, I didn't start right away. Not until Tuesday. So it's been a whopping 4 days on the diet. Granted, the beginning is the worst part. Some slight headaches, anxiety, boredom, and energy lapses that couldn't be cured with a delicious meal.

Today has been significantly easier than previous days. Hopefully I'm at the part where my body has adapted to the new lower caloric intake and my brain can figure out new ways to handle things without a nice bowl of carbs.

My weight loss clinic wasn't able to do the body scan that tells me my makeup of fat, muscle, water, etc., so I don't know any percentages. I'm down 8 pounds. Hopefully most of it isn't muscle, but I won't know until next week.

From here, I want to lose 40 lbs to get to my goal of being at my lowest adult weight. I definitely wasn't perfect and I remember thinking I still needed to lose 20-30 lbs, but taking off the 40 lbs is my first goal. It's a lot to think about, but if I break it up into 20 and 20, hopefully it's more manageable to work through. Luckily, my boyfriend is also doing the program and my lovely best friend is doing Weight Watchers. So, it's good to have people around that aren't talking about chili dogs all day.

Exercise begins on Monday. Oh, joyous occasion.

Really, this time.

I've left this blog to rot for the last four months, but I'm back to it. No one reads this shit, but it does give me something to do besides think about, shop for, and eat food. I went back to my OptiFast clinic on Saturday. Weighed in, got my shakes and bars, and waited until the holiday weekend was over until I devoted myself to today (Tuesday) to start up. In my dieting hiatus, I put back on all but 6 lbs of my original weight loss. I guess that's better than being higher than before, right? 


My memory of the program is that the first few days are misery and it wasn't until a week or two in was I able to be totally adapted and not need to pop a Valium just so I could deal with the anxiety I wasn't eating away with late night popcorn. I'll miss you, clarified butter and sea salt. I feel prepared for it, though. Despite my adoration of unhealthy food, I just don't feel good after indulging in things that provide little to no nutrition. 


By next week I plan to have a fitness routine in place. I've ordered some DVD's and other supplies that are supposed to help me avoid needing a gym membership. I have to wait for them to arrive, but a week to adapt to 800 calories a day before getting in a relationship with cardio and resistance training is probably a good idea. Fridge is stocked. My brain is as ready as it can be. Let's hope it's not brutal. 

Off I go... 

Back on board

Off I went to Idaho for my high school reunion. It was an enjoyable time that I won't soon forget. I didn't pack up a bunch of OptiFast to take with me on the airplane. My shoe collection already pushes the luggage weight limit, no room for cartons of shakes.

I gave myself a free license to eat whatever I wanted. It was only a weekend, no big deal. Aside from a night of embarrassing binge drinking, things stayed pretty mild. I wasn't out every 3 hours looking for a snack. Besides a veggie tray and some raspberries my friend bought for me, I didn't really snack at all. That urge just wasn't there. I impressed myself.

We ate out daily. Both of us are light eaters, so sharing a burger was perfect. Half a burger, a few fries. Not exactly diet food since I was told to avoid high-energy carbs, but we were eating only one or two meals per day.

After I returned home to Los Angeles, I came down with a sinus infection. Ideally, I would have had enough shakes to just get back on the diet right away. Being sick is a perfect time to start a liquid diet, but I was out and didn't have the energy to drive to the valley to pick up supplies. I put it off until the next Tuesday when I was all better and ready to recommit. I didn't worry too much about what I ate during that week off. I was sick and didn't have much of an appetite anyway.

When I did make it back to the weight loss clinic, I prepared myself for a 3 pound weight gain. I could handle that. Instead, I had lost 6 lbs of fat and gained 6 lbs in muscle. I weighed exactly the same as I did before my week and a half cheating on OptiFast with carbs. I take that as good news.

I restarted the program last Wednesday. That first day was harder than I expected it to be. I felt shaky and light headed, even after the shakes. At night I had an overwhelming desire to snack like I was on death row and had nothing else to live for.

Luckily, that passed after a couple days. I'm doing about 3 shakes per day and a meal. I should probably be doing 4 or 5 shakes and the meal, but that's just too much. I found some pasteurized liquid egg whites that are safe to consume raw. Gross, but they add protein without a bunch of chemicals, preservatives, or artificial sweeteners to my shakes. After I blend them with the OptiFast and ice, I don't taste them.

My exercise routine is non-existent. I don't like physical activity and it doesn't like me. I'll work on it. For now, I'll just be pleased that I got back to what I was doing and didn't just give up out of boredom and convenience.

Real Food.

It's been a couple days since the doctor told me to eat one meal per day to up my protein intake. Can't say I'm loving it. I finally was at the point where food didn't even look good, now I'm back to weighing and measuring...and doing dishes again. :( 


Last night I went to my friend's house who was having a little dinner party for a couple of our friends. One of our friends is gluten-free, so I made these flourless chocolate souffle cupcakes with white chocolate mint cream for her. I'd been wanting to try the recipe for a while anyway. As a baker, it feels like a cardinal sin to not try one of my creations before feeding it to a group of people, but I managed. It's a little challenging to not lick your finger when you have $28/lb melted chocolate on it, but I wiped it off instead. 


At the party I had mostly meat and veggies. A friend made Baklava and never got around to pouring the syrup over it. I definitely munched on too much of the Phyllo dough, despite knowing it's not the best option. When I was a kid, my mom owned a bakery and she'd make huge sheets of Baklava. I'd go rob the top layers of the crispy Phyllo dough shards. I'll blame my bad decision last night on childhood regression. I had less than 1/4 of my own cupcake, just out of curiosity on whether the recipe was worth making again or not. It is definitely worthwhile.  


I'm not attempting to justify the bad choices made yesterday. I chose some bad stuff. I am also typically asocial and don't go to these dinner parties when invited. So, it was a special occasion and I wasn't really worried about it becoming a regular thing. Not to mention that the food I have at home is not of the carby/sugary/delicious variety. It's all protein and vegetables. 


Today, on the other hand was better, of course. I had a couple shakes. I had about 3.5 ounces of chicken breast that I had braised in chicken stock and spices. About 1/2 cup of roasted Brussels Sprouts. I had planned to eat about double that (6oz of chicken and 1 cup of sprouts) but I got way too full too fast. 


I'm using my calorie counter on my iPhone again. I was using it during my 100% OptiFast program because drinking shakes is a bit monotonous and I'd forget how many I'd had. So, now I'm keeping track of the meal with the goal of not exceeding 800 calories per day. 


I rode my bike for a couple miles (gotta love living at the beach) and I didn't get the amount of dinner in that I had intended, so I'll be sure to have another OptiFast before bed. 


I'm curious to see how this week will go at Tuesdays weigh-in. It's a good motivator to stick to the plan and not give in to the desire to snack and carb. 

Two weeks.

Off to the doctor I went. Was pleasantly surprised to see the loss of 6 lbs. I was expecting 3, so 6 was great. Half of it was muscle, half fat. Not thrilled about the further muscle loss, but the first week I lost 8 lbs and only 1 lb was fat. 


I saw the doctor and he advised me to continue the OptiFast and get in more protein. To do this I should have a small meal with a serving of protein and non-starchy vegetables. 


To be perfectly honest, I was not thrilled with this advice. I am finally totally adapted to my new lifestyle of being off food. It gave me anxiety. Making my own meals means less control. There's an element of being able to say "oh, just a little more..." or worse yet, reigniting that food addiction because I remember how much I enjoy eating. 

First meal in two weeks, you'd forget to snap the picture at the start, too.

I went to dinner at Houston's with a friend. I had the ahi tuna (6 ounces) and a side of broccoli that they drizzled with lemon juice and a little Parmesan Reggiano. I had a few bites of the appetizer  salad but ate around the bacon and croutons and gave up on the greens when I realized that the "light" tossing of dressing wasn't so light. All in all, it was a good meal. I wasn't ravenous, I wasn't overly excited about eating. Only problem? When I got home I had the urge to have a snack. I didn't get one, but I realized it's going to require me adapting to an entirely new program. 


Sure, it's only one meal. A simple meal. I was used to abstaining from regular  food, now I need to adapt to a little food and that's it. The doctor said to drink 3 shakes, do 1 bar, and have my small meal. He told me not to worry about the calories just as long as it's following the guidelines I mentioned above. So, yes. I am anxious. Walking/cardio/weight training was also advised to help prevent muscle loss. 


I decided that I will give it a week of following his advice and if I find that I am not getting ideal results or if I am going off of the deep end, I'm going to ask about the Optifast that's higher protein and go to that 100%. I'm just not confident that in two weeks I have broken my addictions and bad habits. 


In the past two weeks I have lost 14 lbs. I've lost a couple noticeable inches and I feel like I can stick with this to get the rest of the weight off. My first goal is to lose 41 lbs to get back to my lowest weight ever. Once I am there, I'll re-evaluate my goals and go from there. 


New beginnings... again. 

Heading into week two.

So far, so good... 
As of this posting, I'm 12 days on the program. Proud to say I haven't had a single morsel of real food in that time. Last night I had one extra shake after bike riding in the morning left me hungrier than usual. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. 


It is constantly getting easier. Doesn't mean I wish I couldn't eat. Doesn't mean I don't miss going out to dinner. I truly feel like I have a lot of extra time on my hands. Food was a big part of my life. I wasn't just your average fat person that overate. I read gourmet magazines, food blogs, I collect cookbooks, I love new restaurants, and I think the point of traveling is to eat new food. So, reading the blogs is a slight torment. I can't go and bake those new and improved blueberry muffins. I can't go out to the new restaurant to try their specialty. 


Despite the Optifast program being fairly pricey, I'm definitely saving money. Between going out to eat regularly and buying gourmet ingredients to make the latest and greatest recipe, this diet is economical. 


This doesn't mean I'm not around food. My friends still eat. There's no way I'd tell them to skip dinner just because I only eat bars and have shakes. I'd feel a little awkward sitting in a restaurant telling the server that I'll just be having an iced tea while my companions dine. So, we go to quick-serve restaurants where it's a little less obvious that I'm eating a Control Bar instead of a slice of pizza. 


Would I recommend this diet? 
Yes. At two weeks, I am by no means an expert. I have at least 50 lbs to lose. Ideally more like 70. It can be overwhelming to think about all of the time it would take to lose the weight. At the recommended 2 lbs a week, that's close to a year. With OptiFast it will hopefully go by faster. If I'm truly lucky, I'll spend 3-4 months on this diet and then go into maintenance mode. 


If you're hesitant... 

How can you resist a meal in a juice box? 

If you aren't sure you can do it, give yourself two weeks. Commit yourself to two weeks of giving it all you can. If the best you can do is 75%, give 75%. Of course it will be hard at first. Any cut in calories is hard. In two weeks you can give your body a chance to adapt. You can see if the results are worth it to you. You can give yourself a real chance before determining that you're beyond help. Before I started this program, I thought I was a hopeless case that wasn't capable of losing a single pound. Who knows where I'll end up, but at least I have optimism now. 

I wish everyday could be like today.

I woke up groggy and from a dead sleep, which has been happening since the diet. Lack of calories certainly can make a person tired. The entire day, though, I didn't lack energy. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed or missing food. 


Got a manicure/pedicure and saw my Psychologist. I am not in therapy, but I went in to get some testing done. I definitely have A.D.D. symptoms and wanted to figure out what's going on in my brain. The A.D.D. is a possibility and I will be seeing a Psychiatrist or my M.D. about it, but I made certain to ask him about my food problems. I told him I've had some serious bouts of depression lately. Is it the drug (food) that I'm missing? Or was food masking the symptoms of whatever else was going on in my brain. Of course he couldn't give me an answer to solve my problems, but he told me to focus on the things I can do instead of the things I can't. Focus on the pounds lost or getting involved in activities that I'd enjoy. Distract, distract, distract. 


A friend and I walked over to the new mall in Santa Monica that's just a few blocks away from my house. I assured him it's okay to eat in front of me and we sat in the food court while he ate Persian food and I munched on my Control Bar. While Persian is one of my favorite foods, there was no temptation. No misery. "C'est la vie." It is what it is. 


I can't say that this diet is easy. What do I do now that I'm not spending all of my time and money to procure a tasty snack? I'm going to have to think of some new hobbies. Ones that involve physical activity (despite my deep hatred of such things) would be ideal. 


Yesterday, I didn't even have the energy to put on makeup or go anywhere. I couldn't even convince myself to go to Starbucks for an iced coffee and a good journaling session. I napped for a few hours, just for lack of energy. Today on the other hand, I felt good. The thing we have to remember is that there are ups and there are downs. After it's hard, it will get easier. 


One of the things the Psychologist told me in his diagnoses of my personality is that I give up on things easily. Funny enough, I've yet to be close to quitting this program. I am thankful for my resolve to get this weight off again. 

Siiiiiiiigh.

I've been feeling kind of low energy the last couple of days. Can't quite put my finger on what it is. Still doing my 800 calories per day, vitamins, lots of water, and all of that. Part of it could be the depression I'm battling. For the record, I don't have clinical depression. I'm talking about the kind of depression that comes along with kicking a severe addiction. 


I can say that I am very proud of myself. I haven't veered off the diet once. I'm not cocky enough to say I won't, but as of now, I've been compliant. 


I do have one issue that's giving me anxiety. In a couple of weeks I will be going out of state to see my best friend for our class reunion. 10 years since high school? Wow. No, I am not dieting for the reunion. Of course, I wish I had gone down this OptiFast route 6 months ago, but seeing these people is not my motivation. 


When I travel, I like to eat at new places. I like to go to places that offer something I can't get at home. You wont find me at Sbarro pizza or Red Lobster. Why visit chains when every city has their own special restaurants? My friend is pretty understanding of the fact that it will be the first time I'll be eating in a month. The doctor knows of my plans and told me to avoid high energy carbs. Lay off the bread, starches, etc.. I know that's easier said than done since carbs are my weakness. I know that my habits will not be of the healthiest variety. 


My biggest concern is coming back from my weekend of eating/drinking and going back on the OptiFast. The first week WAS hard. I craved food I didn't normally eat. As of now, the majority of my cravings are gone. My hunger pains are faint, but not a distraction. Starting over is definitely scary. 


My hope is that I've had enough success on the program by then that it will be natural to return to this method of dieting. Fingers crossed! 

One week.

I like my OptiFast in red cups. It's like a party 5 times a day. 

First weigh in: 


I went to the doctor's office yesterday to pick up more OptiFast and to get weighed. I expected around a 3 pound loss. Instead, it was -8. The scale scans your body and does a print out of your fat mass, lean body mass, and water. I was -7 lbs in the water department and -1.4 lbs in fat. They told me that water = muscle. Losing muscle seems counterproductive, but they assured me it's normal.


Of course I took to Google to find the answers and the things I found were that low calorie diets, low carb diets, low protein, and no resistance training can all lead to muscle loss. I have all of that going for me. The doctor's assistant told me they'd see where I was at next week, and if the muscle loss continues, my diet will be modified. 


On one hand, I'm totally happy to have seen the results. My previous diet attempts gave me no progress at all. I thought something was wrong with me, that I could never lose weight, and I'd have to live with this extra 50 lbs forever. Now I have more hope that that isn't the case. 


The day before I went in for my update, I was experiencing some pretty bad depression. I wanted to quit the diet because I missed food. I wasn't on the verge of binging or eating something off the diet or even an extra bar or shake. I wasn't even craving anything in particular. I just missed food. 


It made me think a lot about food addiction and just how strong it can be. I know I need to stick to the diet. I knew it was working, I just missed food. Food was my friend. I figured that alcoholics and drug addicts must have the same feelings. Funny enough, I'm in a better place than they are. In a few months, I will be eating again. Hell, in 3 weeks I'll be having a weekend vacation where I'll be off the program. It's not like I will never eat again. Unlike drug addicts or boozehounds, I don't have to give up my drug entirely. 


It's still a struggle. I'm low energy today, not feeling my best. On the bright side, I feel like I'm on the right track and that's a first in a very long time. 

Food Addiction.

I can say without a doubt that I'm a food addict. The only reason I gained weight after a huge loss of 125 lbs a few years ago is because I snack. And snack. I choose carbs instead of emotions or hobbies. I'd rather eat than do most things. 


With that being said, I am not someone that eats a ton of processed junk food. I don't like fast food. I'm a bit of a gourmand, so give me some artisan bread and butter, sprinkle it with sea salt and I'm in heaven. I don't have a huge sweet tooth, despite the fact that I adore baking and people continuously tell me to open a bakery. Starch is my friend. 


The only reason that OptiFast appealed to me in the first place is knowing that I snack for no reason. Rice crackers from the Japanese market, cheese and crackers, pretzels, sushi, and an assortment of other mini meals that aren't at meal time. Fortunately for me, I can't eat a lot of food at one time. I get full quickly. It's the grazing and endless snacking that's killing me. 


The idea behind OptiFast is to make no food choices. You have x amount of shakes and bars to consume in a day and that's that. It's rather simple in its concept, but a little more difficult in execution. I love food. I miss food. 


It's been four full days of doing the program 100%. No cheating, not even an extra bar or shake. I'm avoiding the scale, so I don't know if anything is happening. Trying to wait until I go back into the doctor every week for official weigh ins. 


It's definitely getting easier. Most of the time, it doesn't bug me that I'm not eating. Sure, I wouldn't mind a great meal, but I'm not sitting here dying to eat. I'm not trying to convince myself that being fat isn't so bad. I can't say how long I can stay on the diet. Ideally, I can stick it out until I get the 50 lbs off, then graduate on to real food. Healthy food without all the snacking. That's the goal. 

Fat people take pictures of the things they make. 

Plenty more where these came from. 

OptiFast

My story is this...

Backstory:

I'm 28 years old, living in Los Angeles. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and then slowly regained about 50 pounds of it after some major life crises. At the start of this year, I started counting calories. Everything I read online said that a woman my age should lose weight eating 1500 calories per day. I tried that. Twice. Granted, I could only last for 2 weeks at a time before giving up. I never saw a single pound shed, never noticed an inch taken off, nothing. I was "Eating Clean" meaning no refined carbs or sugar, limited good fats. Eventually I went down to 1200 calories and lasted another 2 weeks without any results.

Perhaps it was the fact that it required a lot of effort to eat clean and count every calorie. I was at Whole Foods almost daily, looking for appropriate food, measuring it, etc.. Without seeing any movement on the scale, I was driving myself insane. What should I eliminate from my diet? Carbs? Dairy? Gluten? So, I quit. I went to the doctor and my thyroid was normal. No explanation why 1200 calories per day didn't do anything.

Diagnoses:

A couple weeks ago I began researching OptiFast, which I had known of for a long time. I knew that it was something they give to very obese people to get some weight off. I found a doctor in Los Angeles that specializes in weight loss and made my appointment.

After testing my metabolism, looking at recent blood work, and discussing my history, the doctor suggested a full Opti-Fast program. Shakes, bars, and... NO REAL FOOD. None. 800 calories per day is supposed to put me at a loss of at least 2.5 lbs per week. The doctor believes that my lack of vitamins (which started with my original weight loss) was keeping my body deficient and unable to burn fat. At least it made some sense, whether it's true or not is another story.

And so it began:

Today I began the OptiFast program. 3 shakes per day, 2 bars. We will see how it goes, wont we?

This blog is where I'll be documenting my progress. Hopefully it will help keep my accountable and on track, too.